Monday, March 29, 2010

Can't Sleep


It's funny, sometimes the oddest things bother you. What's even worse is they typically bother you when try to go to bed. I'm looking back and you wonder, why does this even happen? Asking myself, thought I was over it? Or better yet, why am I thinking about this in the first place? Yet cannot get it out of my head?

What's going on is my future, except this time I'm looking more in a perspective of God/Christianity.
Now, I'm not the most religious person ever and I do not have the best knowledge of the Bible, but I do consider myself a Christian. I believe in heaven an afterlife and I believe in God that he has a master plan and everything happens for a reason because it follows up into that plan.
How does my beliefs tie into what I'm thinking about? Well I was thinking about the path of my future and my past. Makes me wonder, why did I choose to go to VCU in the first place? Is there a lesson that was to be taught from attending the school here? What is the reason for my mistakes here and the suffering and sorrow I have went through in the last school year? I've came up with a lot of answers: To discover myself, find out who I really am instead of who I thought I was. To motivate myself more to make myself better than what I am with this transfer. Or maybe it's just another test or road block in life that's different for all. Maybe it's all three? Who knows, I just continue to contemplate about it.
As for my future, I'm thinking about consequences. If I get my transfer, I'll be happy (At least I hope I will). If I don't maybe it's a message from god, to stay away from JMU. Maybe it's his sign that I'm not meant to be there. Who knows...

Another thought is one of my friends at JMU. She's a really good friend of mine, but I constantly think her 2 of her friends there don't really like me. Just a weird vibe you know? I always meant to ask her if they hated me several times, but it always blows by my head every time we talk (which we talk very often so idk how that happens lol). It's funny how much this bothers me, though honestly I'd like to know the answer. There are plenty of reasons I can think of why they might dislike me, but I won't get into it...

Maybe I can get some sleep now...

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Looking back....

Earlier I was pretty bored sitting in the common room of my dorm suite. Then found myself to be watching one of the NCAA elite 8 games (Butler vs Kansas State, and congratz to Butler for the final 4). Anywho during the game, I figured I'd blog about something since I was bored...well tough luck on me I couldn't think of anything.

Because of that I found myself going to Shafer Court for food. While I was waiting for my omelet to be cooked I sat around by the bar looking around at everyone there. Then the thought came...I know what to blog about...

I looked around the student body that resides in Shafer Court, I found all sorts of different people, culture, race, interests, beliefs etc. I know I'm already attempting to transfer out of the school, but looking back on the beginning of my first semester here, I made a lot of mistakes. Not necessarily that I regret these things, it was more like, my future at VCU could have been more likable and I might have decided to stay here and have a fun time. Here's what I ended up comprising what I could have done:

1): Instead of sticking to trying to be better friends with people who I barely knew from high school, I should have sought out complete new people.
Looking at this, I hung out with a lot of friends that I was familiar with from high school that were only acquaintances. Not that is necessarily a bad thing, but I came to hang out with people from home a lot more for the first couple of weeks. By that time in those 3 to 4 weeks, people formed their groups; and when I found out these weren't people I'd like to be that close of friends with because of differences, I was left in the dust.
2): Should have joined a Fraternity.
I came into college thinking, forget Greek Life, just full of giant douchers anyways. Well when I got to college that ideal completely changed. Sure some still fit that stereotypical douchebag kind of mentality, but I came to find that at VCU since there's so much diversity groups among kids, some frats were the closest thing to my liking of people wise.
3): My Ex-Girlfriend
We broke up because she felt like it was better for the relationship and the friendship. I didn't see her point of view then, I'm a hopeless romantic, I didn't want it to end. We ended up taking a break and then into about half of 1st semester then split completely. Looking at that, I spent too much time thinking about her, worrying about her and etc, when she was having the time of her life. Well as I did that, I focused a lot less on meeting new people...too much living in the past...and well simple as that she has found friends easily and now I didn't. Our relationship is a mystery to the future I won't get into that. But littles too late for that. Then again I think upon this and she's in band in college and has an opportunity there unlike the one I have here at VCU so friendship came by probably a lot easier to her, but littles too late and I won't dwell on this point.
4): Stick with VCU Club Lacrosse
I met some really cool people while playing ball here and I do miss playing lacrosse a lot. But I quit it only because I wanted to focus on transferring. This point can only get considered if the other above three points never happened. Because I would have considered staying here and sticking out with VCU Lacrosse.
5): My Roommate
Don't get me wrong on this, my roommate is cool, but I feel like I should have done more in searching for one back in summer. This ones probably the most minor point. I look back at all the potential roommates I had for VCU and I wish i roomed with someone else about now. My roommate is fun, but would never be able to be as close of friends as some other people and that's not what really what I wanted out of my first roommate in college at least. I look at other people I could have roomed with and we could have became really close friends, joined a frat together, sports, etc.

A lot of these points are a little too late now. My transfer app has been sent for months so nothing can change the path I'm on, there is no U-Turn right now. All or nothing, JMU or bust and go to NOVA. I heavily focused my transfer based on the people here. Well looking back, that's not that big of a problem, I just fucked up. I mean people here are different, but I never gave a good enough effort to make myself like the place. But, then again, should you really force yourself in doing something you don't like in the first place? Besides that, looking on this, even the people I could be close with at VCU, I would be changing myself a lot. Something I would not like to see myself be. Lastly I dislike the area anyways, nothing to do. Another thought is a lot of kids want a VCU football team. Well we maybe the largest school in VA, but think about the kids at our school. Our Basketball team is pretty damn good (Larry Sanders, LS1 I believe) and not every game is even sold out. Obviously there is not enough sports enthusiastic people at our school, so if we can barely fill 7,500 seats (of which only like 1000-2000 seats are students) how would you expect to fill a stadium of 50,000+ seats? Sorry VCU, but our school is heavily art, urban, and liberal typed to have something like that. I mean possibly the city can fill the rest, but who knows. Also we would not make it into the ACC or any D1 TRIPLE A division instantly...example ODU, our rivals, are only D1 AA...you gotta start somewhere small and expand. We'd possibly be able to fill up 15,000 fans however.

Anyways enough ranting...all thats in the past and it's just on my thoughts about my past. These AREN'T regrets, but just things I could have done differently and I'm happy on the path I'm committing now.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

I can't wait...

The last half of Freshmen spring semester has started, and I already cannot wait for it to end. So many plans already and a long summer to go through. That and I just cannot wait for my reply from JMU in May of whether I get my transfer to their school. Too many great things to look forward to, I just wish I had a time machine or something haha.

Though I still constantly worry about the consequences of if I don't get in to the school. I'm still contemplating on whether attending VCU for the remainder of college for 3 more years or NOVA one year and possibly transferring to JMU or somewhere else with an Associates Degree. So I have no idea what to do...a lot of options with either choice too...but a lot of decisions that could end up bad. I guess we'll see, but I can't stop thinking about summer and what I'll do if I get into JMU for transfer :)

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Afraid

Haven't blogged in awhile so gonna combine two topics into one :)

"I am afraid right now
Don't want to let you down
And I'm the only one who can't be saved"

"And I wonder if I ever cross your mind...
For me it happens all the time"

Being a afraid, another word for fear is just a natural evil. I often wonder and wish I wasn't so afraid of the future and could think more in the present. I'm trying my best to do that recently, or at least to think about the present and the very near future (1-2 weeks from now).

Anyways often I get relapses of my past, but it's been awhile since I've over thought things to this caliber. As I said before, relationships never really die out when they're gone, you always have a certain special bond/connection with the person if it ends well. Yet why I am so afraid just to dial the number just talk one on one for guidance? I mean I eventually did and it was a great choice, but why be that afraid and second guess yourself. Talking to your friends about problems in life is an awesome choice, but sometimes you just want more, you want to talk to that someone that you think can understand you more.

Going into the next part, ever wonder if the other side of the relationship ever thinks of you as much as you do about them? Though I guess it's not a bad thing to wonder about; I mean what if they don't then you're kinda screwed, so maybe better off not finding out haha.

Anywho summing it up, sometimes a best friend, or a regular friendship isn't enough, you want someone who can understand exactly *THAT* well.

Lyrics above are:
Yellowcard: Afraid
Lady Antebellum: Need You Now

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Ever Wonder...

One thing that's such a natural evil in the world is the state of a relationship after it's over. I'm not talking about the regular depression either side gets, I'm talking about how you can never even be a close friend to the person. Usually how this occurs is when a friendship jumps right into a relationship. And because of that once you two break up, you both don't really know how to act because you were never in a friendship setting with that person. What's even worse is that the only memories with that person would be the ones of the relationship. So how do you act upon this? Personally I still haven't figured it out...

It of course is something all guys would like to know the answer to how to fix it. But I doubt we ever will find an answer, too much of a necessary evil. I know all guys have wished at least one of their relationships did not cut off their whole bond with the person completely, or at least reached back to at least being really close friends. But it is always never that easy.

Unless something in that relationship went really wrong though, memories of the relationship are always amazing. You'll think, it's over, but when I look back, that person was REALLY, and I mean REALLY amazing, everything about them and the time you've spent, but that was another time of your life. But, when you look back at it you'll always be happy, and you'll be glad you were with them because it was fun while it lasted.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Confidence

It's been awhile since I've wrote a post. Mostly just because of how busy I've been with school.

This is just going to be short and simple. A lot I've been thinking recently and day after to day I constantly have to think about making a decision. And what I've thought about is that only you can evaluate yourself. Only you can know what is right or wrong. As much advice you ask from someone or everyone, you make the decision, you know what to do.

Not that saying asking advice is wrong, because it is a great idea. But, be confident about yourself and you'll know what to do.